It is Monday, and so today is the writer's support group.  So far it is just me and my sister and a few friends.  Does that matter?  Not in the scheme of things.  

I am here in the Art Garage, listening to baby birds that were hatched up in the rafters, while the smell of burnt paper floats through the air.  The smell of things burning always worries me.  I mean, more than worry, I start to get panicky, my heartrate increases, my breathing gets more shallow and I can't explain it.    

Somewhat Random Non-sequeter: I have had a few flashes of past lives. These have come during meditation, and at times during work with therapists.  One experience, I have linked tp my viseral response to the smell of smoke.

In this past-life, my grandmother was my baby. I was her mother.  She died in a fire in an automobile accident.  So you can imagine the trauma around fire there. 

Now, thinking about it, there is another metaphysical possibility for my fear of fire. My mother's baby brother died in a house fire.  Afterwards, her mother was never the same, and eventually my mother was given up for the church to care for.  That's some serious layers of trauma there.

How multigenerational trauma plays out is fascinating, and in fact this post has nothing to do with fire, but does connect with multigenerational trauma, or rather multigenerational "aspirations".  

One of my spiritual teachers, Master Choa Kok Sui, founder of Pranic Healing, is definitely the product of multigenerational aspirations.  As a child he watched his father develop a cure for cancer.  He knew the significance of his father's work, and when his father died, this cure died with him.  Master Choa, saw this example and became obsessed with fulfilling his purpose.  He worked so tirelessly, most didn't even know he had heart trouble.  I am grateful for his work, and for his example.

Not all of us fulfill our dreams.  So what is it that makes the difference?

When I was young, my favorite poem was Langston Hughes "What Happens to a Dream Deferred?"

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore-
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over-
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?

I remember giving my mom a candy jar with this poem painted on it, and it seem rather poignant right now.  Reflecting on this desire to write that both me and my sister share, it is clear that some of it may have arisen from my mom.  My mom was constantly talking about writing her book.  She would say it constantly, and occassionally she would have a chapter or two to share.  But she never succeeded, and although she is not gone, the spark is gone.  She has no interest in creating.  Her passion is gone.  It makes me sad, and a little angry.  She had something to share, and it will now be lost in the ethers of eternity.

Writing is about more than "getting your name out there".  It is not about fame or fortune or recognition.  Writing is about inspiration.  It is about our shared humanity, finding the connections between one another through the written word.  It is about being the channel to let the otherwise trapped emotions of the unseen experience be witnessed by others who can then release their own aloneness seeing their struggle in someone elses words.

Franz Kafka is my hero.  A strange person to have as a hero.  He worked as a bookkeeper in a bank, and struggled to find meaning in his life.  He had few relationships with others, and an attempt at a romatic relationship.  His life was cold, and he spent most of it depressed.  

And yet, he wrote.  He wrote, and re-wrote.  He was said to have corrected a single line of text dozens of times, finding the right words to express what he was feeling.  This outlet was for himself.  He did not publish anything he had written.  He had a friend, Max Brod, who he confided in.  A prolific writer, Franz trusted him.  He asked Max to burn everything he had written should he die.

When Franz Kafka died, Max started to fulfill his friends wishes, and stopped short.  Instead of burning all of his writings, Max had them published post-humously.  

Thank the Lord!  Reading Franz Kafka helped me feel less alone.  Through his words, I felt seen.  I felt a kindred spirit, and more than that I felt so grateful to have such beauty in the world.  His words touched my heart so deeply, that I found meaning for my life through them.  I didn't expect to become a great writer.  But I realized that if I could bring just a little beauty into the world, my life would have meaning.  

So through these stories, I discovered a path through life.  I sought ways of bringing something good, beautiful and true into the world.  This is still the guidepost for my life choices, and even though I am more at peace now with myself and the simple things of life, I am also so grateful to have found a deeper calling.  This I attribute to seeing how one man's suffering was not in vane.  

For Franz Kafka's Birthday we will Write, Write, and Write some more.

Join us on June 3rd (his death date) for the kick off of a 30 day writing challenge.
We will end on July 3rd (his birthdate) where we will host a writing marathon!

Thank you Franz for your Inspiration and Beautiful Writing.

​

I am in a situation of being sued by someone who I thought was a friend.  It is a frivolous lawsuit, in that it has no basis at all.  The friend is not highly educated, and her testimony is at its core flawed.  It makes no logical sense.  It has no basis in reality, and ultimately it is a money grab on her part.

My heart is broken, and I am also spinning out in fear, not so much because of the lawsuit, but because her daughter is staying in my house and I am afraid of what she will do to the property.

The conundrum is how can I have loving kindness in this situation?  To what extent do I allow people to harass and take-advantage of me before I stop it? 

Can I just let it go and let God do the work?  

It is interesting because when it first happened I used a divination trick using the Bible.  I simply asked God what I needed to know and then opened to a page for the response.  It was a fantastic exercise that showed me God is with me through this process.  I opened to Psalms 94.

Reading it immediately it reminds me of Romans, Vengence belongs to the Lord, or Vengence is Mine, says the Lord... 
And so I know, I am not required to correct this wrong action, but to allow God to work out the path for correction.

It is so confusing because although I have been extremely generous with my friend from the beginning, and she has been supportive of the program and the work being done at the Community House, what is happening now is so contrary to everything I thought she represented.  

So I am heartbroken and lost.  Not sure how to proceed.  But knowing that I am not doing this alone is helping me to get through.

My decision is to try to stay in a state of loving kindness.  I talk to the spirit of my friend, and open my heart to healing.  I talk to the spirit of God and the Holy Spirit, that I can find comfort in this moment.  

But it waivers, the other side of me fights against being loving.  This side braces against all the possibilities of destruction: mainly, theft at the house and destruction of my property.  She has been keeping my mail from me, and so this morning I went to the post-office and put a stop delivery tag on my address.  This idea came to me, not in fear, but in a state of grace.

The idea to turn off the electric, gas and water have also come to me, but I am afraid this will escalate the situation, and I don't feel the same state of grace in this.

What is good about this situation is that I am learning to tune in to my higher-self, talk to God, and slow down before acting.  Although I have felt nauseaus and truly just wanting to hide in my bed from fear, I am taking the steps forward.  

At the post-office while getting my stop-mail form, there was an older gentleman in line before me.  He started talking about his grandchildren.  He told me that he was going to visit the oldest in Arizona who is graduating with a Master's degree.  He was filled with joy, and it helped soften my mood.  He said he was putting a stop-mail request in.  

I felt the power of the synchronicity.  I told him my story and he shared how he delt with an abusive husband in the neighborhood, which I won't repeat except to say, this ex-Marine does not take any crap!

Well, I told him that I am trying to remain in a state of loving-kindness, and truly his talking with me shifted me back into that awareness. I am more confident that everything will be alright.  I am less afraid, and I am more willing to continue projecting love into the situation with the prayers of hope for liberation.

Also, I am using my favorite prayer:

God If I have to go through this, make it as easy as possible.

Psalms 94  -  God the Refuge of the Righteous94 O Lord God, to whom vengeance belongs--
O God, to whom vengeance belongs, shine forth!
2 Rise up, O Judge of the earth;
[a]Render punishment to the proud.
3 Lord, how long will the wicked,
How long will the wicked triumph?
4 They utter speech, and speak insolent things;
All the workers of iniquity boast in themselves.
5 They break in pieces Your people, O Lord,
And afflict Your heritage.
6 They slay the widow and the stranger,
And murder the fatherless.
7 Yet they say, “The Lord does not see,
Nor does the God of Jacob [b]understand.”
8 Understand, you senseless among the people;
And you fools, when will you be wise?
9 He who planted the ear, shall He not hear?
He who formed the eye, shall He not see?
10 He who [c]instructs the [d]nations, shall He not correct,
He who teaches man knowledge?
11 The Lord knows the thoughts of man,
That they are futile.
12 Blessed is the man whom You instruct, O Lord,
And teach out of Your law,
13 That You may give him [e]rest from the days of adversity,
Until the pit is dug for the wicked.
14 For the Lord will not [f]cast off His people,
Nor will He forsake His inheritance.
15 But judgment will return to righteousness,
And all the upright in heart will follow it.
16 Who will rise up for me against the evildoers?
Who will stand up for me against the workers of iniquity?
17 Unless the Lord had been my help,
My soul would soon have settled in silence.
18 If I say, “My foot slips,”
Your mercy, O Lord, will hold me up.
19 In the multitude of my anxieties within me,
Your comforts delight my soul.
20 Shall the throne of iniquity, which devises evil by law,
Have fellowship with You?
21 They gather together against the life of the righteous,
And condemn innocent blood.
22 But the Lord has been my defense,
And my God the rock of my refuge.
23 He has brought on them their own iniquity,
And shall [g]cut them off in their own wickedness;
The Lord our God shall cut them off.

Napoleon Hill is one of the forerunners in achievement.  His book Think and Grow Rich was published in 1937 and is still respected today for its core principles of motivation and success.  Today we have a myriad of folks who have described the Law of Attraction and how our consciousness creates reality.  This basic metaphysical truth is the foundation of matering the art of creating the life you want.  

As I continue to expand into my creative purpose, I am finding my energy to be easily scattered and that I personally fall into a state of overwhelm. When I get overwhelmed, I usually find I want to avoid my goals.  I want to stay home and water the plants, and pet the animals.  Some days I do that, but usually I push my way through.  Not the energy best suited for creative manifestation.

The overwhelm is caused by too many things pulling my attention.   Even though I am working to keep on track, holding my trajectory, aiming towards my goal, the  pull of everything around me is so persistent.  I need a system. I need to draw on the tools developed by those who have mastered the mind.  I need to start building my mental capacity to become the director of my life.  

This lead me back to some of Napoleon Hill's greatest lessons, from Chapter 2 of the "Law of Success" (1928) he describes the Definite Chief Aim.
"Until a man selects a DEFINITE PURPOSE IN LIFE, he dissipates his energies & spreads his thoughts over so many subjects & in so many different directions that they lead not to power, but to indecision & weakness."
Oh man does that quote feel true right now.  All my energy is scattered to the winds.  I have a faint hope of what I want, and yet the effort is towards everything but what I want, and then there is the doubt.  The indecision that makes me believe I should just give up, or keeps me just showing up without any plan.  No more.  I am going to take personal responsibility for my life, and get with the program.

The Definite Chief Aim as Hill describes it is the main goal.  But more than just having this large looming goal, Hill provides a framework for moving towards it in sequential steps.  This is such the critical piece.  Some manifestation techniques as you simply to hold on to the big picture vision, feel what it would feel like to be in that position.  For me, I can see the big pictue, it is simply that I have trouble knowing how to move towards it.  The vision is easy.  The actions are somehow confusing to me, and then I get stuck.  What is in front of me, is not in alignment with where I really want to be.  How do I get to that goal when it seems so far away?

This is where the DCA, or SCA (singular chief aim) comes in.  David McEwen is a great teacher and I followed his youtube video to create my own DCA.  I loved his example of the plants, maybe because these days I am surrounded by plants, and I can feel the problem acutely.  Here he compares the project goal to a single seed.  Your attention is the water for the seed.  But you only really have enough water for one seed/attention for one project.  I like to think of this not as a seed, but a garden.  It takes time to tend to a garden.  Many people need help with their gardens, and so I could go over, water their peppers, weed their cucumbers, and the like, but what happens to my own garden?  I don't have time to do it all.  Basically, if I try to do it all, nothing is going to grow.   Makes perfect sense.

So, I ask myself, how do I know which project is truly mine?  All these things in front of me seem important.  They all have value.  Here is what I have come to understand.  Gifts + Passion = Purpose.  I have spent my life becoming the person I am today.  I am passionate about education.  I have used my gifts to create a curriculum that meets highly creative kids where they are.  There you go! I now know what my purpose is. I need to be sharing this curriculum I have developed.

Looking objectively at many of my projects, I realize they are really about taking care of others.  These goals serve to move others towards their goals.  Although there is nothing wrong with service, and that can be a primary goal, for me it is a distraction from what is my core mission. This is, in fact, my codependency in action.  By fulfilling the needs of others, I lose track of my own purpose. 

Because I have been programmed to believe that taking care of others is more important than taking care of myself, I am struck with a pang of guilt in wanting to follow my own purpose.  This is the shadow work that has to be finished in order for me to fully step on my path, and to stop watering other peoples gardens.

Focusing on the one seed, the big one, will get me where I want to be in life, and will benefit all aspects of who I am becoming because it represents my divine purpose unfolding.  Now to get specific.  I am looking at the curriculum, where I am at so far.  There are a lot of loose ends.  The DCA helps me know where to start.

What is the DCA that hits the sweet spot that comes with the positive byproducts of fulfilling other aspects of your goals.   Success of the AOK program and Conceptual Math program are the big ones.  This is the DCA for sure.  But so many small little steps to get there.

OK, can I make a DCA that is something I believe I can achieve?

Maybe an achieveable goal is having a group of ten kids running the AOK and Conceptual Math program.    

I can create a scene of this.  I see myself in the room with 10 kids all working on their workbooks, they are all learning, laughing and enjoying the experience.  I have parents who are appreciative and paying me money.  They are a part of the community and they love it.

Now the practice.  David McEwen describes the need to run the scene for 20 minute intervals.  Feeling the positive feelings all the while.  But not to keep the scene itself running the whole time, but rather letting it run in 10 to 20 second intervals.  

OK, I am on it.  Time to meditate!

Remember, Always have:

Appreciation for where you are, and Anticipation for where you are going next <3