When the Solution Keeps Us Bound

I have worked for a decade and more on my "shadow".  All the negative aspects of self that seem to keep me trapped in the loop of self-sabotage and isolation.  So it always surprises me when I discover that an old pattern I thought had healed comes up for re-examination.

This one is a deep one.  It is the automatic message my mind plays, "I hate myself."  As clear as day, the minute I make a little mistake, here comes the voice, "I hate myself."

What a jerk!  Who is this annoying voice anyway?  And why won't they keep their opinions to themselves?

So, for years I have tried reprogramming this voice.  I have repeated for hours and hour the phrase, "I love myself".  Literally, on my way down to teach in aspiring principals in Normal, IL I would say these three words over and over, tapping them out on the steering wheel.  And still I would be tense and nervous as I stood in front of a class of graduate students.

I did realize that the "I love myself" was somewhat contrived, a superficial bandaid.  I didn't really love myself, and even as I said it, it felt fake.  But I kept saying it anyway.  I did have some funny experiences, like when I accidently dropped my bowl of cereal, instead of the "I hate myself" popping up in my mind, the mind quipped "I love myself,"  Now that's much better, don't you think?

Then I did deepen the thought.  I would say I love myself, and then ask, well, what do you love about yourself, and I would make a list in my mind.  This deepened my self-esteem just a bit more.  But the truth is, I wasn't going into the wound yet.

I finally realized that my attempt to use, I love myself to heal the reason for this inner voice saying I hate myself,  was in vane.  This approach had done little to actually address the issue, the core wound.  When I discovered another path, a deeper journey, I was somewhat shocked, and dumbfounded.  It was there all along, a path to heal the wound, not just cover it up.

It was all about staying aware and expanding my consciousness in the moment that the "I hate myself" popped into my head.  When I did this, I discovered there is a structure underlying this message.  One of the elements, is that of performing.  When I pretend to know something I don't.  Often in my life, I have tried to be something that didn't feel like me.  I can't really blame myself, I didn't even know who I was, so how could I be me.  

Then there was a flood of feelings, regret and sadness.  Shame and fear.  By saying "I hate myself", it seems like I blocked all these flood of feelings.  I ended the inner emotional turmoil by locking them all up in the cell labelled "I hate myself".  

Well, no more.  I am opening the cell, and now, each time that voice arises, I realize it is an opportunity to tune into what I am feeling, forgive and heal those parts that feel unseen, inadequate and the need to be something more for someone else.  I can breathe in and remind myself, that I only need to be me, and that is enough.  It is just right.  It feels so good to be me, and know that you have permission to be you.  You are perfect just as you are.  No more performing.  No more pretending.

​LOVE YOURSELF <3