Follow along with us as we reconnect to our True Selves.
Healing is the highest purpose of a life.
As we heal the adaptive patterns, we heal our entire Ancestral Pattern.
Healing Is Possible for Us All.
Let The Healing Adventure Begin
Session 1. Reading - Chapter 1
The first session we reflected on the following questions from Chapter 1. Check out the statements below and ask yourself which are most like me? When you find those that are representitive of your shadow, ask yourself the following quesitons for each one.
You can pick the top 3 to start.
Where did this behavior or belief come from?
How is this affecting my life and relationships?
What would it be like if I didn't have this belief/behavior?
What new belief or behavior could I replace this with in my life now?
The first session we reflected on the following questions from Chapter 1. Check out the statements below and ask yourself which are most like me? When you find those that are representitive of your shadow, ask yourself the following quesitons for each one.
You can pick the top 3 to start.
Where did this behavior or belief come from?
How is this affecting my life and relationships?
What would it be like if I didn't have this belief/behavior?
What new belief or behavior could I replace this with in my life now?
Our group was full of amazement at how many of the questions resonated with them. For myself, I felt the issues of over-extending myself, fear of criticism and a general feeling of being taken advantage of. Yuck.
Oh yeah, and trust, self-doubt and low self-esteem too. Uugh. But the truth is I can heal from these behavioral adaptations. And to answer the question what would it be like if I didn't have these? How would I feel and how might I behave differently, well, in just a few words I would have confidence, and serenity. I believe it will come. I believe I will have what I am working for.
Healing is possible.
Oh yeah, and trust, self-doubt and low self-esteem too. Uugh. But the truth is I can heal from these behavioral adaptations. And to answer the question what would it be like if I didn't have these? How would I feel and how might I behave differently, well, in just a few words I would have confidence, and serenity. I believe it will come. I believe I will have what I am working for.
Healing is possible.
Session 2 - The False Self
Chapter 3 covers the way the false self emerges in order to protect the authentic self from pain.
According to Whitfield, "our false self is a cover-up. It is inhibited, contracting and fearful...continually selfish and withholding. It is envious, critical, idealized, blaming, shaming and perfectionistic.
Alientated from the True Self, our false self is other oriented, it focuses on what it thinks others want it to be; it is over-conforming. It gives love only conditionally. It covers up, hides and denies feelings...either because the false self doesn't know how it feels or does know and has censured these feelings as wrong or bad. " (Chap 3, pg 11-12)
This week we tuned into the ways in which our false self is a mask. It hides our true feelings and keeps people at a distance through a variety of ways.
Try our activity. Make a mask with two sides of the face. On the one side, write what you show the outside, like "Smiling", or perhaps "Appearing all together." On the other side, write down how you actually feel on the insde. Possibly "Anxious", or "Insecure". (you can see my example below)
Once you have completed the mask of the false self, make a second mask. On the one side of the face, write what you show to the world when you are in your authentic self. Then on the otherside, write what you are feeling inside.
A fun reminder that it feels SO MUCH BETTER to be authentic!
Love Your Self
According to Whitfield, "our false self is a cover-up. It is inhibited, contracting and fearful...continually selfish and withholding. It is envious, critical, idealized, blaming, shaming and perfectionistic.
Alientated from the True Self, our false self is other oriented, it focuses on what it thinks others want it to be; it is over-conforming. It gives love only conditionally. It covers up, hides and denies feelings...either because the false self doesn't know how it feels or does know and has censured these feelings as wrong or bad. " (Chap 3, pg 11-12)
This week we tuned into the ways in which our false self is a mask. It hides our true feelings and keeps people at a distance through a variety of ways.
Try our activity. Make a mask with two sides of the face. On the one side, write what you show the outside, like "Smiling", or perhaps "Appearing all together." On the other side, write down how you actually feel on the insde. Possibly "Anxious", or "Insecure". (you can see my example below)
Once you have completed the mask of the false self, make a second mask. On the one side of the face, write what you show to the world when you are in your authentic self. Then on the otherside, write what you are feeling inside.
A fun reminder that it feels SO MUCH BETTER to be authentic!
Love Your Self
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Session 3 - Unmet Needs
This session we covered the material in Chapter 4 on Unmet Needs - The following is the meditation using some of the text from Charles Witfields book.
As humans, especially children, we rely on each other and our caregivers especially to get our needs met. At the very lowest level are the safety and survival needs, like food, shelter, clothing, medical attention... and perhaps you are thinking, well, I had all these, so why do I feel like I do? Take a moment to tune into your body as you remember how it felt to be in your household growing up. When you were fed, was the food prepared with love? Were the clothes you were given, done in a way to make you feel taken care of, even pretty or special? Or maybe you were made to feel like a burden, or perhaps clothes or other gifts were a tool of manipulation, conditional on certain behaviors, especailly those reflecting loyalty to the goals of the family system.
When you were given something you needed, were you made to feel like a burden, or guilty for having needs and taking from the family?
In your home, did you have a space of your own that felt like it was made for you? Did you have security in your housing, and your place in the family? Maybe you were homeless, or maybe you just felt like you were unwanted? Maybe your parents got divorced and you were bounced back and forth. Maybe you felt like an outsider in the new family system, where you may have been a step-daugther or son, with step-sisters and brothers.
Or maybe you were supposed to meet your own needs, or even meet the needs of your parent and siblings. These messages have less to do with money than with the emotional interactions of us and our caregivers. We will discuss more about the caregiving styles in future sessions.
We learn the rules of our family system. We learn our roles very well, and then we carry these roles into our adulthood. If we were supposed to be needless in our family system, we learn to be needless adults always caring for someone else.
These experiences shape us. Ask yourself now, What did I come to believe about myself and the world from my experiences?
When a need is not met we start to controt our natural way of being in order to get what we need. We become what others want or expect in order to recieve attention, love, acceptance and even our safety and survival needs. Even though survival needs are important , these wihtout love is like nothing at all. Love is the nourishment for our soul. Love is what allows our True Self to Thrive.
Think of your childhood...was there love in the house? Did it feel safe and welcoming? Or in contrast was it cold, rigid or devoid of warmth? Was there anger, resentment or hostility towards you or anyone else in the family?
There are infinite possible scenarios which could cause a fragmentation of our relationship, leading to a fracturing to the self.
EXERCISE:
Think of a time when you did not have your needs met - when they were unacknowledged, ignored or denied, either consciously or just because of the circumstances. You weren't seen or loved or cared for.
What was happening in your home at the time?
What was the dominant feeling? Can you feel where it shows up in your body?
Take the time to explore this now.
What did you come to believe about yourself?
How did this affect who you are, or how you show up in relationships?
What role did you play? Who were you expected to be in your family system?
Session 4 - Growth of Codependence
This session we read the first half of Chapter 5, a big one! We looked at the factors contributing to codependence, how we lose our connection to our True Self and live more and more into the adaptive role we were assigned by the family system.
In every experience, the small ones and the large, when we deny our own wants, needs and desires we slowly become unconscious of what our innerself really wants and needs. We become so focused on the other person's needs, and base our own sense of peace and tranquility on their emotions. We develop behaviors that are designed to make others happy, keep others safe, and meet the needs of others as a way to make ourselves feel emotionally OK.
In every experience, the small ones and the large, when we deny our own wants, needs and desires we slowly become unconscious of what our innerself really wants and needs. We become so focused on the other person's needs, and base our own sense of peace and tranquility on their emotions. We develop behaviors that are designed to make others happy, keep others safe, and meet the needs of others as a way to make ourselves feel emotionally OK.
Session 5 - Trauma is More than you Think
The field of stress and trauma research has become abundantly aware of how constant minor insecurities, inconsistences, and insults are as destructive to the human psyche as are major traumatic events. What has been referred to as CPTSD, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, is in essence what happens to someone in codependence, who cannot feel peace within themselves, but is constantly reliving the assigned roles of their childhood.
The protective behaviors we have learned, adapted so early on to be accepted into our family system, now in adulthood are running our lives. Every relationship follows the same program, and then we wonder why it is so hard to have Authentic Loving Relationships, but instead seem to keep attracting the same toxic patterns.
It is possible to heal the patterns, it starts with conscious awareness. Then dissolving old agreements, and realizing my own wants and needs. Finally I am able to step into a new way of being that reflect what my inner child wants.
The protective behaviors we have learned, adapted so early on to be accepted into our family system, now in adulthood are running our lives. Every relationship follows the same program, and then we wonder why it is so hard to have Authentic Loving Relationships, but instead seem to keep attracting the same toxic patterns.
It is possible to heal the patterns, it starts with conscious awareness. Then dissolving old agreements, and realizing my own wants and needs. Finally I am able to step into a new way of being that reflect what my inner child wants.
